At first, there are the tests. First time around, these are performed with a good spirit of optimism and hope. You are told about your personal prognosis and the chances of your cancer returning. That is fear number one. It eclipses everything for a very long time. Every ache, pain, twinge or niggle and the fear raises its ugly head. Once you have a cancer diagnosis, that fear will be with you forever.
My initial Tour Guide for the journey, my Oncologist, the first time I had treatment was lovely. She approached treatment in combination, of me as a person and the cancer as an entity. It was a good approach, I felt that I had an input into the chemotherapy element of my treatment, with a review before each cycle, of how I had coped with the last one; what the sickness had been like, etc.
Following the commencement of my second 'journey', when I was diagnosed again in July 2011, I had a new Tour Guide/Oncologist. She didn't know me at all and we had to start our relationship from scratch. She was a lovely woman, who, as with most Oncologists and health practitioners had a large caseload of patients, all with different variations of this horrible disease.
We had some differences of opinion. One of the very first things she said to me when I attended my first appointment with her was...
"I am approaching this on the basis that we will manage it for as long as possible."Now, I may have been wrong, but that screamed out to me, "You are going to die from this!"
I immediately responded with, "No! I am approaching this on the basis that I am going to beat it and it will go!"
That first sentence absolutely terrified me. It made me believe that I had little or no chance of beating the cancer; that the cancer was going to win. Who knows, it may eventually do so; I may get hit by a bus, but I do not walk around every day with that fear hanging over me either - even when I increase the risk of that happening by crossing the road without a little green man to guide me.
I was 39 when diagnosed for the second time. My children were now 12, 9 and 7, I had every reason to fight, no reason to concede anything. I needed to be seen, and treated, as that person; not just as 'breast cancer recurrence to chest wall with spread to supra/super-clavicle lymph nodes' - I needed that same combined approach.
I also understood more this time. I knew I could have more of a say in my treatment and this time, I insisted on it. Doctors generally do not have time to sit pouring over research papers for each individual case they are treating. I did though. So that is what I spent my spare time doing. I read about recent advances in treatment for breast cancer, case studies of surgery for chest wall recurrences and I investigated what the possible options for me were.
This helped me feel much more in control and positive. I would build myself up into a fearsome warrior and picture myself kicking cancer's ass. I actually felt like I was putting on my armour and getting "battle-ready" every day. I also loved that my dear friend Claire Spencer (@thedancingflea) came up with the hashtag #FighterTChee on Twitter.
I would go to each appointment with my Oncologist, armed with information, papers and questions. I asked about drugs, surgery and what else I could do that would help. I cried. A lot. I was battle-ready but I was also absolutely petrified. I hated. I hated that cancer had come along again to wreck things, but I could not wallow in that hate. I had to channel that negativity into something that would be more helpful; into the fighting spirit that would get me through each day at a time. It was exhausting, but absolutely necessary.
Every day, I was reminded of why I had to fight, why I must survive. I still am and I still fight, thankfully not as intensely as during chemo, but now, that battle will be one that I am always a part of.
...Next time, I will update on the amazing Mr Papagiannopoulos, (Mr Papas) who nurtured my fighting spirit and helped me incredibly.