A Very Big But...

Today was my last chemo cycle of this treatment programme. I am almost equally delighted and terrified. Having cancer and not having some form of aggressive treatment for it, is scary. I am in that not knowing phase, where everything is paused, while we await assessments and results.

Now, I keep saying I'm not going to complain too much about the side effects of chemo that I have been experiencing. Mostly because, while they ARE rotten, it really could be much worse.

You are waiting for the "but" aren't you? Well I won't disappoint, yes, there's a but. A BIG butt. Mine!

The only major complaint, among the lack of energy, tiredness, nails dropping off and general ugh-ness of chemo, is the massive weight gain, thanks to the steroids. Obviously the lack of energy plays a part too; I am unable to walk far at all and definitely not able to exercise.

After my first treatment of this cycle, I lost a stone! I thought that I was going to avoid the weight gain I suffered last time around, when I gained four stone in six months! Alas, from the end of November to now, I have gained two stone! I have my blood taken the day before chemo, (yesterday) and I am weighed so that the correct amount of the drug is prepared, according to my height and weight. When I saw the digits on the display this time, I could scarcely believe it!

So there it is. I'm really bonny right now, all puffy around the jowls, patchy and blotchy, no nails, no hair and two-stone heavier. On the positive side, I have had no sickness or nausea, major infections or hospital stays and have managed to cope with the toxicity and treatment ok. My Oncologist told me today that it is very rare for anyone to complete a course of the chemo I am on, without having to have the strength reduced, but I have managed it.

I am absolutely certain it is due to the positive energy and support I have had around me. At home, from friends - near and far, who are sending messages of support, hope and prayers - at work and from my online army, whose messages and blog comments help enormously.

Now I wait. I have a CT scan in a few weeks to establish how effective the chemo has been. I will be starting on tablets that will continue to treat and manage any cancer that remains and I will continue to fight. I will never stop fighting, these amazing children I have; my husband who stands by me and keeps everything ticking over while I am unable to help much; these four people are my world and I owe it to them to NEVER give up. And I never will.