Ups, Downs and Why No Amount of Time is Ever Enough

I haven't blogged since just before my last chemo cycle.

The truth is, I've had a pretty tough time over the past few weeks. I know there are ups and downs; good news and concerns, strength and fears.

On the day of my last chemo session, which was also my fortieth birthday, my Oncologist told me that the chemo was working. The latest CT scan had shown some nodes now clear and the soft tissue mass on my chest wall had shrunk.

This was exactly what I wanted to hear but was tempered with the reassertion that she doesn't think it will go completely and that we will be going along with her original plan to "manage" my cancer "for as long as possible." No matter how positive or determined you are, this phrase just makes sure you are face-to-face with your own mortality, immediately. My children are twelve, nine and seven; no matter how long "as long as possible" is, it will never be long enough. So, in the absence of tangible figures, my mind goes into a frenzy of calculation.

Five years: nowhere near long enough, the children will still be children. Ten years: no. Freddy will be seventeen and making some of his most important life choices, Harry will be twenty-two and Betty nineteen. Absolutely the wrong time. Fifteen years: Harry will be twenty-seven, embarking on who knows what, settling down, maybe thinking about children; Betty will be twenty-four, I remember me at that age, so much still to learn, broken hearts and mistakes of early adulthood. Freddy will be twenty-two, embarking on a career and becoming the man he has been growing into, under our watchful eyes for all these years. So no, fifteen years, not enough.

Twenty years, I'll be sixty, Tim sixty-four and the children will be thirty-two, twenty-nine and twenty-seven. There may be grandchildren, huge life events and the opportunity for Tim and I to enjoy retirement and that golden time together. Why should we miss out on that?!

So that is what my brain has been up to over the past few weeks and I didn't really want to write it down at Christmas and bring down the festive mood. It isn't that I have not had a lovely time, I really have. Giddy children, lovely festive times together with the family. It is just that the fear pops up at the exact times you don't want it to.

Today was chemo cycle five of six and the Oncologist repeated the assertion about "managing for as long as possible," she also said there could be something left that wasn't growing or that was scarring but we wouldn't know that until two or three months post-chemo. So there is hope and this is what I must remind myself of, every single day.

Chemo is getting harder, today three attempts to get a needle in to insert the cannula and one popped vein. I felt like a pin cushion and have huge bruises over the back of my hand and wrist. The pain was awful but I kept thinking of the cuddles I get from the children, the enormous amount of love I am fortunate enough to have in my life, from them and from Tim, who truly is my rock. This made it more bearable and always gets me through.

I will never give up this fight. I genuinely don't know if it is one I will or can win but I promise it is a fight that I will do my absolute utmost to. I owe it to Harry, Betty, Freddy and Tim. They deserve my best efforts in this.

So now, as I have "supper" - sixteen of my forty-seven tablets a day in the days after chemo - and settle down to sleep, I know I am lucky. I am lucky to have such incredible support from my family, friends and my amazing Twitter Army! It all keeps me going in these times of fear, worry and helps me to find that fighting strength.

So to everyone who has sent me a message of support, no matter how long or short; sent me flowers, port, cheese presents or knitted me a hat! To my amazing friends who have looked after the children while I am having treatment, so Tim can be there with me; to my family and those friends who are always there for me, whenever I need them... Thank you.