This blog is completely out of chronological order. It is a letter I wrote to get the feelings I had about being diagnosed with cancer again AND to deal with the initial, very obvious pessimism of my Oncologist.
So many of you are saying such lovely things to me. I appreciate every single comment. I am positive, I am hopeful and I have faith in the support, love, prayer and help you are all giving me. I have down times, times when I am absolutely terrified, I wrote this letter during one of those times. It was a way of me getting those fears out.
I wasn't going to post it, but Tim said it's important that if I'm going to blog, I blog all sides of this journey.
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Written on Wednesday 6th October 2011
My lovely babies, Harry, Betty and Freddy,
Tomorrow it all begins properly. For real. And I am so scared.
I am scared that chemo won't do it. What if Dr Lee is right and I am just trying to fool myself into believing I can beat this, when in reality, it has already beaten me and I just refuse to admit it? This is a reality I do not even want to contemplate. I am so frightened.
I MUST BEAT THIS. I MUST.
My beautiful babies. This is so unfair on you. You shouldn't have to deal with this.
Little Freddy, my beautiful baby man, so amazingly little and cute and full of love and hope. How can I ever let you down in such an awful and destructive way?
Betty, my gorgeous, clever, amazing daughter. I need to be here for you. I need to be here to hold your hand and dry your tears when your heart is broken. I don't want to be the one who breaks it by leaving you too soon.
And Harry, such a wonderful, clever, thoughtful boy. I know that even though you are growing, you still need cuddles from your Mum and I want to be here to keep that promise of you never being too big for a cuddle. I promised you I would always be here for you, to love you, no matter what. I can't break that promise. I just can't.
You are three amazing children and I love you so very, very much. The pain of losing my Mom is as real now as it was more than nine years ago. How can I inflict that torture on my babies? You are my whole world. Everything. I have failed in not being able to protect you from the horror of this. So unfair.
The world is so wrong for things like this to happen. After such a horrible year, when I had started with such hope for the future, everything has come crashing down. It is just so horrible. So so horrible.
There is literally NOTHING I can do now. Just hope that the radiotherapy and chemo do everything I need them to do. Dying is just not an option and I pray and hope with absolutely everything I am and all that I have, that I can fight this and win. I don't want to die but I am so scared.
I can only promise, absolutely, my darlings that I will do everything I can to beat this, for you.
Mom
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Heartfelt, heartbreaking and so full of fight and hope. I'm sat here crying both in sadness for what you're going through and sheer pride in your indefatigable nature and spirit. Those wonderful children will read these words one day... and I have faith you'll be there to defend yourself when they accuse you of being soppy. x
ReplyDeleteIf it's any consolation, 15 years ago my partner was called home to be told his mother had terminal breast cancer. She won the battle and is still fit and healthy.
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